How My Mental Illness Brought Me Closer to God
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Today’s the day. The day I was hospitalized for what would be diagnosed as Bipolar 1 Disorder, also known as manic depression.
On June 30, 2020, I was taken by ambulance to Elmhurst hospital because of a manic episode. I had been dealing with outright insomnia for about five days, but instead of feeling tired, I was high energy and honestly felt invincible and on cloud nine. At the same time, I had moments of unexplainable paranoia, and it was even hard to trust my husband Moses at times. I eventually became aggressive toward Moses and all my loved ones present, my mom, sisters and church family, who were all at my home praying for me. I became so aggressive, the paramedics had me on a stretcher, restrained, so I wouldn’t hurt myself or others.
I was at Elmhurst hospital in Queens for two days, then transferred to Gracie Hill hospital in Manhattan and stayed there for seven days to be monitored. I was released with the diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder, which is more of a one-time mental disorder brought upon by an acute stressor. You can imagine then, how it hit me like a ton of bricks at my follow-up outpatient Psychiatric appointment when the doctor told me I have Bipolar 1 Disorder.
My doctor says it was brought upon by acute stress, which in retrospect I know is a combination of COVID, worrying about my dad with the health issues he had, racial trauma, being a mom of five littles, and taking on a lot of other people’s burdens without good emotional boundaries—along with lack of self-care and not reaching out for support as much as I should have.
Right now, we are treating it with anti-psychotic meds, therapy (a gift from Jesus!) as well as holistic care like diet and supplements. I’m making so much progress that my weekly psychiatrist visits turned into every two months and my weekly therapy appointments turned to check-ins every few months.
As this anniversary hits me, there are days when I am tempted to regret or feel shame. Why didn’t I take better care of myself? Why didn’t I reach out for support instead of taking on everything by myself? But there’s so much to celebrate. A lot of growth has happened this year. I’ve learned to invest in my friendships. I’ve learned self-care in diet and exercise. I’ve learned to invest time and money in hobbies like coloring, piano, knitting, & reading. I’ve learned how ministry can be draining and how I need to recuperate via solitude. My communication with Moses has improved a hundredfold, and we’re more of a team now than ever. I’ve had to depend on Abba when nothing made sense, and it didn’t seem like there was a purpose in any of this.
I don’t have it all together. My mind needs to be renewed daily. I had a mini-breakdown with Moses the other day. As we prayed, I heard a phrase that got me bawling “Grieve normalcy.” I had been picking myself up by the bootstraps but didn’t leave room to grieve during this huge transition. I had to learn to depend on the Lord for my strength, for His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
So why am I even taking the time to write this? For one, I want to be a good steward of the testimony God has given me. It wasn’t my choice to have this story, but God chose me (John 15) so I just need to trust the process. If just one person who is silently suffering with mental illness reads this and is encouraged, it will have been worth it. If just one person gains new perspective on their loved ones who are suffering with mental illness, it will have been worth it.
The truth is, despite moments of regret and shame that may plague me at times, I am thankful. While, I don’t believe that God causes sickness, including mental illness, I believe God can redeem anything. What the enemy meant for evil, God uses for good (Genesis 50).
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within [me], will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6 NLT
I’ll leave you with an encouraging message from a Godsend of a friend: “What I see is God fighting for you, helping you, walking with you, holding your hand, carrying you, and answering your prayers.”
None of this is easy, but if it draws me closer to my Savior, it is worth it.
